The secret of my heart
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Why can't Juubei understand Kazuki's fear and why won't Kazuki tell him?


[anime] get backers - secret of my heart (one-shot/pg)

**Fandom: Get Backers**

**Title: The secret of my heart.**

**Pairing: Juubei + Kazuki**

**Rating: PG**

**Description: [Juubei x Kazuki fic challenge] Why can****'****t Juubei understand Kazuki****'****s fear and why won****'****t  
Kazuki tell him?**  
**  
Disclaimer: Get Backers isn****'****t mine.**

**The secret of my heart.  
By miyamoto yui  
**  
He put my right hand on the smooth, stone wall and followed it to the best of his ability. They had said that when one was lost, then you had to rely purely on instinct. A gut feeling, as unsure as it may have been; as unjustified as it would be. Still, as his elders had taught, he would take their advice in such an adverse situation.  
And even though he had his eyes wide open, everything was dark, only lit with an unknown light seemingly resembling a candle's. His sight was useless, as with many situations in his life. People's eyes sometimes shadowed the truth before them.  
There was no noise in this maze. Left, right, left…  
The only thing he could hear was the soft tapping of his shoes and yet it did not disturb him. He continued to walk with pretend confidence. So, whatever was threatening him, would be bored after a while if he showed this side of himself.  
"Oni" prey on extreme emotions.

So did that mean, in any given situation, he had to hold back his emotions in order to fully understand his art? He wasn't sure. He still had yet to discover this truth.

He gulped and felt very lonely. Seeing nothing in sight, he wondered whether there was anything at the "end" of this maze that he found himself inside of. Why all the walls were bare, he could not comprehend.  
Suddenly, he started to go further and further towards voices. But they weren't people's at all. They were images like slides flashing on the walls. Individualized mini movies of him and his precious person. This person who wrapped him tighter than any strings or red fate itself.  
Yet, he did not stop to truly look at them. He didn't have time to reminiscent about the past. He flatly put his palm on the surface of the wall and brushed it instead of just touching it with his fingers.  
Even so, he felt the surface of his fingers and his palm become scraped of its skin. Slowly, he began to leave spots of blood on the wall. His heart began to become anxious.

Would this ever end? Where was the end? What was he going towards?

Training and training. Trying hard, but never knowing what was enough. Wasn't this and that the  
same? They were both leading him to the same place?

He began to see a light in front of him. Seeing a goal, out of desperation, even though he was tired  
from walking for hours, he ran. He ran faster and faster, with his hand still on the surface, guiding  
him on his way.  
Then, as he was approaching the "end" where the light was, there was his precious one waiting for him. But as he got closer and closer, he held no smile. The look of hope began to fade as the stoic in front of  
him stared coldly into his direction.

Holding out his needles towards him, he threw one to scrape at the feminine looking man's arm. The needle holder's eyes became more squinted as he harshly said, "This is the end, Kazuki."  
It was then that Kazuki stopped. "What?"  
Confusion encompassed his face as his left hand held thread between its fingers, almost wanting to fight  
back the inevitable.  
"Will you pass through me or will you fail here?" The one with the needles and shades positioned himself for any sudden attacks, leaning forward. 

He couldn't though. Kazuki put his thread away and stood there and looked at him with pained eyes. Pained, but determined. "I don't know what's going on, but you must let me pass."  
Again, the door greeter asked, "Will you pass through me or will you fail here?"  
Kazuki'0s himself became numb. He was cringing, dying almost. Yet, he still stood strong. "I cannot lose…"

As he walked slowly towards Juubei, he finished, "…not to you. Not to myself."

At that moment, he painfully reached into his chest. Juubei looked at him and held out the heart that was already in his left palm, bringing it out to the light before Kazuki. The blood dripped on the ground and disappeared into the darkness.  
Kazuki looked stunned as Juubei asked, "This isn't enough anymore. You need to pay a higher toll to get to the next level."  
**  
+/+/+/+/+/**  
Kazuki gasped for breath as Juubei turned over and sat up immediately, looking down at Kazuki. Holding  
his shoulders and with eyes full of concern, he frantically asked, "What happened, Kazuki?"  
The beautiful string master looked up with a disoriented face, shocked beyond comprehension.  
Holding out his hands, he held onto Juubei's bare arms. He took a deep breath. "Juubei…"  
He nodded his head as he looked at him. It was one of those times and one of those dreams, the ones where Kazuki wouldn't say a word no matter how much he would ask about them. Then, he lay down and hugged him tightly. "Go back to sleep. Don't worry about it." 

But Kazuki's eyes watched the darkness.

What more did I need to sacrifice? I hadn't had that dream for a long time. I thought the maze had gone away, but it was back again.  
And something was scaring me.  
It was showing me that Juubei was going to leave me and that we're going to fight to the death once more.

And this time, I didn't know if I can save him.

Then, Kazuki remembered the last memory that had flashed before him:  
"What is behind that beautiful face of yours? You used to smile so unemotionally."  
He smiled at Juubei and shook his head. It was a smile that he could feel the warmth to. "There is  
nothing behind it."  
He thought, "The secret of my heart? Why ask me when the truth is within you?"  
And he continued to look at the wonderfully, sparkling and deep eyes of Juubei as they walked through the living chaos called Mugenjyou. 

**Owari. / The End.  
-**

**Author****'****s notes: **This was done for a fic challenge for the Juubei x Kazuki ml and I thought I'd contribute.  
I felt that I really wanted to do a fic, so I did it. ^_^ (It was hard to keep it to exactly 1000 words.)  
I wanted to keep it open ended so that I could delve into something new and yet experiment with lots of  
embedded symbolism, while trying to convey detailed enough descriptions.  
**  
May 19, 2004**


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